The Britalian Job

Love is such a difficult thing,
It makes one man cry; it makes another man sing.
I ended up going as low as I could get;
I tried to find love on the Internet.

 

I avoided all the dating sites,
(On there you tend to meet a bunch of weird types)
I stuck with what I believed was the safest option on the ‘net’:
I decided to find a date on Chatroulette.

 

On there I couldn’t find a girl who really rocked -
It was hard enough finding one through a sea of cocks -
I was looking for a girl who wanted to hug
Instead of guys dedicated to having a tug.

 

There must be a girl who liked to be kissed;
Could I find such a woman on Craigslist?
Among ads for car sales, stolen toasters from Dixons
I received several offers from men who wished to be pissed on…

 

I decided to place my last bet;
And check all the main sites of the internet.
I was left bitter from rejection on Twitter;
I didn’t manage to hook whilst surfing Facebook;
Inappropriate offers from nan’s, are what I found on 4Chan;
More men covered in lube, lurking around on YouTube;
No one was up for a screw, at least not on Yahoo;
And it seems nobody wanted to lay, last time I checked on eBay…

 

It seemed all my research was done:
I would never truly find the one.
The flame in me had died:
The embers of love had crumbled online.

Yet, what had I just seen:
Appearing from a pop-up on my laptop screen?
I was so excited! I almost cried;
At last I found her: a mail-order bride…

 

I’m really happy with Natalya Gorski;
The best woman I could ever love (for 45p)
Although it seems our marriage is going through a bit of a strain -
I don’t know any languages from the Ukraine…

That Friday morning had been witness to cloudy weather; the kind of forecast a poet would’ve referred to as ‘pathetic fallacy’ or ‘complex foreshadowing’. I would’ve stuck to calling it ‘a shit day’.
My preparation for this journey had been thoroughly researched: I had spent all night practicing my West County Burr and it was coming on alright, it was. Nevertheless, I had overslept and was late for my flight to Bristol.

Therefore, in my rush to make it to the airport, I hopped onto the first train at the Stazione Centrale. However, in my rushed state of panic; I had committed the cardinal sin of not having stamped my ticket on the platform. It was the first of many fuck-ups on that journey. Had I known what would’ve happened that day, I would’ve avoided travelling at all; I would’ve stayed in bed, watched TV and drowned myself with reruns of Come Dine with Me.
Anyhow, back to the moment at hand. I was panicking on the train. If the Guard came by and didn’t see my stamped ticket, he’d probably throw me off. I therefore, took matters into my hand; I went to find the Guard, and subtly unbuttoned the top three buttons of my shirt…y’know, just in case I’d have to let my body do the explaining (if you catch my drift).
The guard was sat at the end of the train, reading a copy of the Financial Times. I could tell by his demeanour that my subtle, desperate, oh-so-perverse, flirting would not help. He looked me up and down, his face a mask of disappointment at such a lowly human being – he looked like a man who had been let down too often at a surprise birthday party.
I approached him cautiously:

Me: Excuse me?
Guard: What?
Me: I…seemed to have forgotten to stamp my ticket on the platform.
Guard: You forgot to stamp your ticket?
Me: Yes.
Guard: Your train ticket?
Me: Yes.
Guard: The one on which it’s written that you should stamp at the station?
Me: Well, you make it sound stupid when you put it like that.
Guard: What do you want me to do?
Me: I don’t know…you’re the adult here.
Guard: …I guess you can stay on the train. There’s no solution on how to deal with this written down in the rulebook.
Me: Well that’s a relief.
Guard: That’s because there’s no one stupid enough to not stamp their ticket at the station.

    

My next problem was at the airport; or rather, at the check-in/metal detector gate. I was stuck in a long queue behind a large Asian family, and losing the will to live. I finally got to the front of the line, and placed my hand luggage on their treadmill. I passed through the gate, had a security guard feel me up, and stepped through. I waited for my luggage…which never came.
Instead, a large alarm went off, and one of the women at the desk looked worriedly in my direction. Two security guards flanked me and herded me off to one side.
Now, I’m not the most laidback of men: I have a very nervous disposition. They sat me down and let loose a flurry of questions. The only one I understood was ‘Did you pack this bag yourself?’ They were so sure of the urgency; I almost started doubting myself and felt like hesitantly replying ‘maybe…?’ They then led me to my luggage and the following exchange took place:

Security Man: Do you know what this is?
Me: No?
Security Man: It’s a sharp object. What is it?
Me: Oh, those? Those are…they’re my nail-scissors.
Security Man: You don’t seem so sure.
Me: Please keep your voice down; I’m not exactly proud of them.
Security Man: You realise these go against regulations?
Me: What? How?
Security Man: It’s against air traffic law.
Me: Maybe against laws of manliness, but this is just silly!
Security Man: It’s a hazard.
Me: No it’s not! They’re harmless? What am I gonna do?
Security Man: You present a danger to other people.
Me: They’re tiny! At best, I could mug a wasp!
Security Man: I’m afraid we’ll have to bin them if you wish to get on this flight.
Me: Well how am I going to cut my nails? Are you going to do it?
Security Guard: You want me to cut your toenails?
Me: Well, you make it sound stupid when you put it like that.

At this point, everyone was watching this scene unfold. The Asian family were steering their kids away from me, as if I were some sort of nail-scissor-wielding mass murder, and I was pushed through by the security guard, having lost my scissors…and my sense of manly dignity.

 

The last incident came straight after the flight. The plane had been rerouted to Birmingham Airport as there was a problem on board the flight. I landed, slight aggravated by this detour, slightly pleased at the fact we were landing at a smaller (less popular) airport so going through customs would be piss-easy.
Or at least I thought it was.
Turns out other FIVE flights had also been re-directed towards Birmingham and I was stuck in another queue for two hours. I didn’t have trouble with the security – but I did come close to murder. In front of me were a bunch of students from the ‘Uppingham School of Tennis’. Calling them posh would be an understatement. They were so posh they probably had pheasant (or peasant) for breakfast.
There were four boys and two girls. The girls’ names I didn’t catch, but the boys were called: Horatio, Graham, Roland and Alexander (who insisted on being called ‘Alexander’…because the nickname ‘Alex’ takes too much effort).
‘So what’s wrong?’ you’re probably asking me, ‘posh people have a right to live too’. You’d be right…but spending more than ten minutes behind them in a cramped airport is a fate not even reserved for the worst criminals: at one point, they actually started comparing their music grades and who could play the harpsichord better. The harpsichord? THE FUCKING HARPSICHORD?
I left the airport with a deep hatred for humanity.

What did I learn from my trip? I learnt that train guards aren’t always sexually attracted to me; that nail scissors can blow up a plane and that the Uppingham School of Tennis faces stiff competition for their harpsichord playing skills from the 16^th Century.

Well, you make it sound stupid when you put it like that.

Whilst looking over my vast collection of comedy films; I realised that nearly all of them share one thing in common: each one had Paul Rudd in them. How did he end up in my vast (I say vast - OK, it’s actually about 6 films) amount of comedy films? Who knows? The films in question are: Anchorman; The 40 year old Virgin; Knocked Up; Dinner for Schmucks and Role Models. All these films have Paul Rudd in them.

For those who don’t know what the ‘6 Degrees of Separation’ is; it’s basically a theory which states that we are technically 6 steps away from meeting any other person in the world, through the ‘friend of a friend of a friend’ basis. Likewise, every comedy film is six steps away from being related to another comedy film which has Paul Rudd in it.

Think about it: the only comedy film in my collection without Paul Rudd is Get Him to The Greek - which it turns out, is actually a spin-off of another film called Forgetting Sarah Marshall which HAS PAUL BLOODY RUDD IN IT.

 

Look, I have no problem with Paul Rudd: he’s a great actor. He’s very talented; he definitely adds some magic to any film he’s in and can play a number of different and difficult roles with apparent ease. We’re talking about a man who started his career playing ‘Nick Carraway’ in the Great Gatsby: and that’s one hell of a depressing novel. Trust me, if I were forced into admitting I had a man crush: it would probably be for him.

But the way he turns up has now become positively creepy. The first time, you watch a film - let’s say Anchorman - You see him there and you go: “Oh look! It’s that guy who played ‘Mike’ in ‘Friends’! Isn’t that a surprise” The next time I saw him was in ‘The 40 year old Virgin’: “Oh, it’s him again…that’s cool”. After that, I noticed him in Knocked Up. Then it was Role Models. Then he finally got the lead in Dinner For Schmucks. At this point I was seeing him wherever I looked and ended up weeping on the ground, curled up into a foetal position.

OK, you could probably note that Seth Rogen is also in almost every one of those films; or even Steve Carrell for that matter. Any film made by Judd Apatow will most probably have Paul Rudd in it.  I agree with you: but let’s also look towards the future. In 2012, a spin-off of Knocked Up is coming out called ‘This is 40’. Guess who plays the main character?

Jennifer Aniston plays an unhappy wife in upcoming comedy film Wanderlust; she and her husband move out into a hippie community and ‘hilarity ensues’. Take a wild guess at who plays her husband? PAUL MOTHERLOVIN RUDD.
He’s more common than malaria: I swear that guy turns up more often than the number 23 in that god-awful Carrey film.

 

You can take any other actor in the world and in less than six steps you will have a film with Paul Rudd in it.
For example, let’s take Noel Fielding, an Englishman who has never been to Hollywood (or abroad for that matter).
1. Noel Fielding played the lead in ‘The Mighty Boosh’
2. Richard Ayoade also played a character in ‘The Mighty Boosh’.
3. However, Ayoade is best known for being in ‘The IT Crowd’ alongside Chris O’Dowd.
4. Chris O’Dowd played a blind swordsman in the film ‘Dinner for Schmucks’ which starred PAUL RUDD.

In 4 simple steps we get back to the source of it all. Apply this with any other living person and I bet you’ll somehow be able to trace even Jack the Ripper to this guy.   

You know the best part? Mr. Rudd has also been known to moving to other film genres: he also does Romance; Thrillers and Horrors. Let’s not forget that his first film role was in ‘Halloween: ‘The Curse of Michael Myers’.

(My God! Is that bad guy being beaten up by ‘Mike’ from ‘Friends’?)
 

Whatever the future holds in store for all of us, just remember: Paul Rudd will be there, starring in every film you’ve ever known.

BREAKING NEWS!
The Britalian Job has a sneak preview of JK Rowling’s script for her next book (and film-deal which always follows)

Scene 1

Harry Potter is now 40 years old. He is working in the Ministry of Magic, in the Auror Department. As he walks in, he notices Teddy Lupin, his godson and understudy assistant, sitting at his desk.

TEDDY: Harry…you’re back!

HARRY: Yeah well, I tried being a solicitor in ‘The woman in Black’ and that didn’t work: so I’m back! That is, unless things pan out differently – in which case I’ll probably leave and pursue a career as Allen Ginsberg.

TEDDY starts on his bacon sandwich, while HARRY admires his scar in a nearby mirror

TEDDY: Harry?

HARRY: Yes?

TEDDY: What do we do?

HARRY: Sorry?

TEDDY: We’re Aurors, but we don’t do anything. 

HARRY: We fight crime.

TEDDY: What crime? When there was Voldemort, shit happened! Death Eaters were on the loose! Now we have nothing!

HARRY: What are you on about? We’re still men of action!

An owl flies through the window, carrying a letter. It drops it on HARRY’s desk. He picks it up and reads it, his eyes light up with excitement.

HARRY: What was I telling you? ‘Emergency: Tawny Owls screeching near a Muggle residence.’  We’re back in the game!

 

Scene 2

The office; TEDDY is writing a letter. HARRY is practicing yoga.

HARRY: What are you doing?

TEDDY: Writing a letter to my wife Victoire. Boy, she is brilliant. Supple and flexible like my Yew Unicorn-tail wand…if you catch my drift.

HARRY: Don’t talk to me about marriage.

TEDDY: Oh yeah. Are you and Ginny still going through a rough patch?

HARRY: Yeah. She’s leaving me for Neville.

TEDDY: Neville Longbottom?

HARRY: Yeah.

TEDDY: In all fairness: he did turn out to be the best looking of the bunch. And he was pretty good in ‘The Syndicate’.

HARRY: Cheers.

TEDDY: I’ve got something that can help you.

TEDDY reaches into his bag and pulls out a book; he hands it to HARRY

HARRY: [reading] ‘Avada Kedavrasutra: for those moves that really kill in the bedroom’. What the hell is this?

TEDDY: It’s to spice up your marriage. Don’t want to be stuck in here, ‘choking the Chinese Fireball’…if you catch my drift.

HARRY: You’re disgusting.

TEDDY: And you’re boring. Seriously, live a little! When’s the last time you had fun?

HARRY: I’ve dealt with a lot. I was getting revenge against Voldemort most of my life! I’m the Boy Who Lived! The Chosen One!

TEDDY: Oh give it a fucking rest! No wonder Voldemort tried to kill you every alternate year of your school life. You used to be cool: the Harry I knew would’ve downed seven butterbeers and smoked a shitload of Gillyweed! Now what do you have? A boring job as an Auror – undeserved as you didn’t even complete your last year at Hogwarts!

HARRY: Shut up: people seem to have forgotten that.

TEDDY: Well I haven’t. And guess what? Ginny told me about your rough patch.

HARRY: [alarmed] what did she say?

TEDDY: She said if you could get it up more often, and avoid saying Hedwig’s name during climax, you might still have a marriage!

 

Scene 3

In the office once more: TEDDY is playing chess against himself. HARRY is squeezing a chocolate frog and watching its eyes bulge under the pressure. He is interrupted by TEDDY.

TEDDY: Harry, do you ever think we make life harder for ourselves?

HARRY: What do you mean?

TEDDY: Well, I saw a muggle using a talking-box machine the other day…

HARRY: A what? Oh, you mean a telephone.

TEDDY: Yes, anyway; he pressed a few buttons and was suddenly speaking to someone in New Zealand! How awesome is that?

HARRY: We don’t need phones: we have owls.

TEDDY: Yeah, and how helpful are they? They’re not as good as phones.

HARRY: In what way?

TEDDY: Well, picture this: an old lady gets mugged or is being robbed. For some unknown reason Aurors don’t patrol the streets, so she’s got to send for help. She has to write out her problem on paper and give it to an owl. The owl has to fly here and we can then go and help.

HARRY: That’s the way it’s always been

TEDDY: Well, with a phone, she should dial a number and talk to us directly. We could be on the scene in no time!

HARRY: Look: I am the head of this Department. Sure, we seem to be short staffed as everyone inexplicably left…

TEDDY: You fired them all because they refused to call you ‘H. Piddy’.

HARRY: Yeah, well, their loss. You forget that all muggle electrical equipment fails to work around magical buildings. Hermione told me that, before she ended up in rehab…

TEDDY: What about Creevey’s camera? That worked in Hogwarts during your second year at school. Didn’t he take a photo of the Basilisk? Why did his machine work?

HARRY: That was different. Hogwarts was under reconstruction, and Dumbledore allowed it to be sponsored by Nikon.

TEDDY: …do you miss them?

HARRY: Pardon?

TEDDY: Your kids: do you miss them?

HARRY: Ginny won custody, so I only see them once a fortnight.

TEDDY: I’m sorry mate.

HARRY: None of them call me. Albus Severus refuses to even look at me.

TEDDY: In all fairness you did give him a crap name. You named him after two headmasters – no kid wants that.

HARRY: It’s a very noble name.

TEDDY: Why are all your kids named after your friends and family? Did Ginny get to name any of them? Maybe that’s why she left you.

HARRY: Who the hell are you to judge? Your life’s not perfect either.

TEDDY: I’m married to a French model: I think I’m doing alright.

HARRY: You’re unbearable. When’s Ron coming back?

TEDDY: He’s still in an existential crisis. Who knows how long his round-the-world trip will last. Can you believe he wished to do it the muggle-way? No brooms, or apparition – just hitch-hiking and tents. I also heard he might not come back – he told me he was abandoning magic to follow Ed Sheeran on his tour.

 

Scene 4

We’re once more in the almost deserted office, where TEDDY is checking his Facebook account. HARRY is on the other side of the room, painting abstract art on the walls (most of these pictures depict a stick figure with glasses and a scar standing over a dead stick figure missing a nose).

TEDDY: Hey Harry, did you watch the Quidditch last night?

HARRY: No, I was out.

TEDDY: Out where? You don’t go out.

HARRY: …I was out and about.

TEDDY: [scrutinizes his boss for a second, before exclaiming in disbelief] My God! You went to see her, didn’t you?

HARRY: So what if I did?

TEDDY: Harry? Why would you?

HARRY: She’s very understanding, you know.

TEDDY: Really? Luna Lovegood is now considered: ‘understanding’?

HARRY: I went to see her, she offered me a glass of wanglespurtzels and one thing led to another…although, in hindsight; she could’ve been using chloroform.

TEDDY: This is why your wife left you! You do know Luna is now a stripper at the Leaky Cauldron?

HARRY: That’s her choice; someone will have to keep the people of Diagon Alley entertained.

TEDDY: I also recommend you go and get yourself checked at the hospital.

HARRY: Why?

TEDDY: Wizard Herpes.

HARRY: There’s no such thing.

TEDDY: Sorcerer’s Syphilis.

HARRY: Shut up.

TEDDY: Chimaeras’ Chlamydia.

HARRY: I haven’t got anything, alright?

TEDDY: Dean Thomas went out with Luna: she gave him Griffin Gonorrhoea.

HARRY: Oh shit! What do I do, what do I do?

TEDDY: Beats me. I’ll check the Internet.

HARRY: Oh God! Hermione would’ve known what to do…she’d have some spell at hand.

TEDDY: …yeah, you have to go to the hospital: it says it on the internet.

HARRY: Can I halt the disease?

TEDDY: Erm…yeah. You have to get a Bezoars stone and shove it up your knob.   

HARRY: What? Why?

TEDDY: I don’t know: it says it here. Get it up there, you wimp!

HARRY: [yelling in pain] oh shit! Merlin’s beard, that fucking stings!

TEDDY: …oh shit, you really did put it up there. I was joking, y’know…

HARRY: I fucking hate you.

Captain Schettino likes his boats the same way he likes his drinks: on the rocks.
And with that awful joke we set in motion the scenario, in which Costa Concordia crashed off the coast of the Island of Giglio on the 13^th of January. Indeed, it was the only Cruise ship in which the Sauna was cold yet the pool was at 90 degrees. The crash on the 13^th January was a truly jarring event felt all over Europe. 
What motive did the Captain have to do the ‘inchino’ and steer so close to the shore? To impress a lady who worked nearby? In what state has the world come to where flowers and chocolates aren’t accepted anymore as romantic gestures? But then again, what do you expect from a man who couldn’t see because it was: ‘too dark’?



I don’t like these comparisons between Schettino and Edward J Smith, captain of the Titanic. People have been saying “it’s almost 100 years after the Titanic sunk!” as well as “Edward J Smith stayed on the ship as it sunk, whilst Schettino didn’t – what a brave man!” Now this isn’t true: if Smith had been slightly more careless he too could’ve accidentally ‘fallen into a lifeboat’ like his Italian counterpart. In fact, if you are comparing the two, why not have a film named ‘Costa Concordia’? Better yet, get Leonardo DiCaprio as Captain Schettino, have him heroically slip onto a rubber dinghy - get Adele to do the soundtrack, and we can have him rowing away to ‘rolling in the deep’.

The reasoning behind it annoys me: steering close to the shore is not necessary. He is not the only Captain to have done it: others do it as a ‘party trick’ to impress the customers on board and show off the island they are elegantly hurtling towards. The thing is; if there’s a chance it can go wrong – don’t try it!
If my six year old cousin comes up to me and says “Can I ride my bike?” I’ll say: “Sure, why not?” However, if he asks me: “Can I ride my bike…which may endanger the lives of 4000 passengers?” I’d reply: “Hmmm: how about you go on the Wii instead?”    

Costa Concordia is one of the worst cruises in the world. It’s obviously not the worst cruise.
That’s a position held by Tom Cruise. They actually have a lot in common.

Costa Concordia:
Shipwreck
Gained fame with awful film
Was a nautical failure
Occurred 100 years after Titanic tragedy
Led by a Lunatic.

Tom Cruise:
Shipwreck…of marriages
Gained fame from awful films
Was an acting failure
Gains fame 100 years after Prussian tragedy (exportation of ethnicities from Germany)
Led by a lunatic

Not content with just trying to beat Kony this year, director and co-founder of Invisible Children Jason Russell decided to also beat something else in public…

what a wanker

And with that awful Shakespearean pun; we reach the ever-present debate about Joseph Kony. The ‘Kony 2012’ video has been cluttering up our Facebook homepages and has been viewed over 40 million times on YouTube. However, we see certain debates arise: debates about the pros and cons of this video and about the charity ‘Invisible Children’ which are behind it.

No one is questioning the gravity of the situation: it is truly a horrifying ordeal. Enslaving children and turning them into soldiers to rain havoc in Uganda is something no one should ever be put through; and we should be glad that this situation has been brought to light now: instead of 20 years ago when it first started.
Look, I’m not an expert and I don’t know the major details – when I first heard ‘let’s make Kony famous’ I thought he was a prospective contestant for the next series of Big Brother – but I’m entitled to my own opinion.
I take a very cynical view; how can we be raising awareness of this right now? How can it have taken so long? This worries me greatly: with all the crazy shit going on around the world, how much of it is going to be unconsciously pushed aside to accommodate this Joseph Kony issue? Because then it seems, once this does get resolved, in eight years time we’ll get a new problem. A problem based on today’s crisis which we’ll name ‘(fill in blank) 2020’.

I must admit to also having my reservations about the filmmakers of the video. They want to be seen as ‘just’ and passionate about their aims: something I wholeheartedly agree on. What I don’t agree on are the photos they take to prove their intent in Uganda.



I mean; seriously? You’re a charity! That’s not what charities do! The whole point of stopping violence is to not fight it with violence! That’s the equivalent of a charity wanting to stop teenage pregnancies and having the President pose for a picture with a sample of Chlamydia. If this charity was concerned with helping out the victims of floods in Thailand, they’d be posing on the beach with water-guns.

I also disagree with the means of communication. I understand the usefulness of Facebook. Everyone shares the video – bang: the whole population has seen it by the end of the night. Recently, however, Charities on Facebook haven’t come across as meaningful as they intend to be. It started out with the ‘Copy and Paste’ statuses asking us to fight a disease – now, something admirable has become tacky. Likewise, the Kony 2012 video has unfortunately fallen into the same department. The many images on the internet seem to highlight this as well.

Look, mine is merely an opinion; I understand it’s for a good cause – I just take a very cynical view. As Bill Hicks famously said ‘I’m don’t mean to sound bitter, but I am, so that’s how it comes out’.

So stay tuned in. Watch this space: look forward to another monster or issue ‘made famous’ several years too late …

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I remember how awful the Falkland war was. It was a truly jarring experience, and has been made worse by the resurfacing of the ownership debate about who should possess the Falkland Islands. Then I ask myself: I wonder what an actor would think about this situation? I wished and pleaded that one day; an actor who had starred in Carlito’s Way, She’s so Lovely, Dead Man Walking, The Game and had also previously been married to Madonna would give their valuable insight on the Falkland Debate.

So imagine my surprise when Sean Penn decided to give us his opinion on what he believes should happen to the Malvinas Islands in the Falklands. He went to say that the world wouldn’t agree with ‘archaic commitment to colonialist ideology’ that Britain imposed on the Falkland Islands, not keeping in mind that the people on the island wish to be British through their own self-determination.
Then again, it seems obvious that Sean Penn; a man who has only played victimised characters throughout his career, would choose the Argentinean side. Anyhow I’m not here to debate who is in the right or the wrong; there are pros and cons for both sides. Some reckon Argentina have territorial right, other say that Britain should be in control as it harms nobody (think Gibraltar). Either way it’s not the conflict that annoys me (has anyone thought of letting the Falklands gain independence and breaking away from both Argentina and Britain?), but the fact the actor Sean Penn felt it necessary to put their worth in.

If a journalist had asked him the question, fair enough. If, like Sean, you go out your own way to say such things – then you piss people off. You are an actor, not a diplomat. Leave politics to the politicians; sure some of them may be downright awful at their job, but they are the ones who have that power. The only way an actor should be saying those things is if they’re in a script in front of them – although knowing Sean’s friendliness with many disputable characters I can totally see a film on this happening. If the world wanted to hear the opinion of an actor who played an autistic father in I am Sam or the friend of a rape victim in Mystic River, then we would’ve bloody asked for it! Sean: you do not represent the average man – you lost all rights for an opinion when you married that old reptilian creature they call ‘Madonna’!

The annoying thing is, it’s not only Sean Penn. A few months ago, Mark Whalberg claimed had he been on the 9/11 flights he would’ve made sure ‘it wouldn’t have gone down as it did’. To which the word replied with a massive face palm. Obviously actual victims of the tragic event called him out and told him his comments were disrespectful. And I agree: if I were stuck on one of the planes and I knew I was going to have to share my dying moments with the bloke out of the remakes of the Italian Job and Planet of the Apes, I would probably feel a lot worse. Imagine dying next to the man who took the main lead in The Happening? The fucking Happening!

If these people are so intent on getting their on-screen personas mixed up with their real characters, then I suggest taking it one step further. I insist they play out the role they’re famous for in real life: I want Daniel Radcliffe as an actual wizard, Christian Bale as Batman and Morgan Freeman as God (as if he wasn’t already?)